Complaining – The English Catharsis

Everyone likes a good whinge now and then. The English possibly like it more than others. It must be built into our genetic makeup by now. It’s become an inherent trait evident throughout our whole society. Although we like to whine, we as a nation very rarely complain properly. It’s because we don’t like to make a fuss, that and we don’t want to look foolish in front of a crowd of people in the middle of a busy restaurant. Anytime a waiter asks you if everything with your meal was ok the majority of English people will just obsequiously nod and mutter ‘yes, fine thanks’. Like most things in life, complaining is an art-form and it’s one which requires much practice and a plethora of well constructed and articulated arguments. Rushing headfirst into an argument over the phone without doing the necessary prep is pointless; it’s like Chelsea buying a stupid amount of world class expensive players and then expecting them to play like an organised team.

Recently I have been involved in a long running dispute with Virgin Media over their lame excuse of a telecommunications service. Back in April all of our services including TV, phone and broadband simply died. I made several phone calls to billing and then to tech support trying to resolve the issue. Eventually an engineer was sent out who arrived promptly at the appointed time only to tell us that there was nothing at all he could do to fix the problem. He then made a few calls and told us that it was going to take a further 2 weeks to arrange for a crew to come out and fix it. I made a few rash complaints and in an effort to placate an angry long-term customer Virgin resent the previous engineer who once again informed us that there was nothing he could do. The pointlessness of the whole scenario leaves me utterly speechless….

Finally the 16th of March dawned and a 2 man crew arrived at my house to sort the problem. It took 2 guys a whole 20 minutes to rewire a cable and then hey-presto we were back online and once again living in the 21st century. Hallelujah! I was truly astounded, 2 and a half weeks of pain for a 20 minute job……. The engineer laughed at me when I asked ‘does it normally take this long’ and he just lol’d at me and said ‘no, not really mate’.

After my initial anger had subsided I began to draw a plan of action, I decided to take the fight to the enemy. The first thing you need to do when making a complaint is to list down all the petty annoyances, all the time spent and most importantly all the money you have spent trying to resolve the issue. That is your first plan of attack. Next you need to start formulating your complaint letter. Nowadays no company wants to deal with your complaint over the phone, instead it’s still best to write in or email. Watchdogs and independent boards like Ofcom require you to make a formal complaint first before they can approach the company. The company you are dealing with then has 28 days to deal with your complaint.

Rhubarb, rhubarb......

First of all always write in an eloquent manner, but don’t forget to add a distinct tone of snootiness, sarcasm and a large dollop of aggravated annoyance. Start off by outlining the problem, what you did to in order to solve this and how the company you’re dealing with responded. Chuck in a few compliments now and then like this person was very helpful etc etc. Throughout the letter continually bang on about consumer loyalty, how long you have been with the company, how outraged you are about the current circumstances and then return back to the whole customer loyalty business. Don’t worry about repeating yourself the idea is to bludgeon them into submission. Step by step outline the problems and how much time and effort it has taken for you to resolve the issue, don’t forget to mention things like phone calls to 0845 numbers, days of work and potential loss of earnings. Although companies wont pay up for this it is more likely to get you a bigger goodwill gesture if you mention these grievances. Finally threaten them with regulatory bodies and mention that you have found a much better and cheaper service with their main competitors. End the letter with a list of demands, add a few extra in just to give them some additional leeway and most likely you will get the majority of what you asked for.

In the end I managed to get to a reduced price for my services, they bumped my packages, arranged to have a new router and modem sent out and I got a substantial goodwill gesture plus the money off for the time period that my services were down for. All in all it turned out quite well. Happy complaining badgers.